Bad things happen in 3's

Well a couple of weeks ago I was saying 3rd times a charm. Now I've changed my story to bad things happen in 3's. Why this change in attitude, you ask? (First things first, I hate repeatedly giving bad news - even though I realize this effects you much less than it effects Michael and me, I still HATE giving bad news). Yet, since there is no getting away from it, the change in attitude is because our 3rd IUI was not a success. I hate calling it a failure with the amount of good intentions that was put into it, but it freaking failed. Not that it matters, but the IUI was perfect. Two good follicles, Michael's contribution was top notch, well timed, vacation after it, no obsessing about it, etc. etc. Yet it didn't work. I don't know what else to say.

A couple of friends have asked me where we go from here? The answer is I don't know that either. I do know we're down but we're not out. We'll keep trying and pray for a miracle natural conception. In the mean time, I think our tentative plan is to start researching reproductive endocrinologists and fertility clinics. Maybe in a few months go on some consults and find a good fit for us. I don't have a plan for what will happen after we find one. I'd love to do some more diagnostic testing to see what the deal is and to know if they can tell us more than "unexplained infertility", but we may have to settle for that diagnosis and just try IVF. We have reached our lifetime maximum on fertility insurance (it wasn't much in the first place - although anything is better than nothing). Any diagnostics will come out of pocket, so financially just pulling out the big guns (IVF) may be the answer. I really don't know. I'd be guessing if I tried to outline more of a plan right now.

What I do know is I'm scared. This just became very real to me. Up until this point, I just thought us to be unlucky, overbearingly anxious to start a family, and impatient. Now I'm thinking we may have a real, justified problem on our hands. The what-if's are haunting me. What if we have IVF and I miscarry? What if IVF doesn't work? What if, what if, what if??? Then I remind myself that I have other things to do and to leave this to God. What I need is a shock collar to buzz myself when I what-if. Ellie (our chi puppy) needs one too for her barking, by the way. Wow, I'm easily distracted tonight.

As bad as it sounds, I'm fine - Michael's fine - we're fine. The recovery time has gotten quicker with each of these failed attempts. It hits hard and then it just sets in as reality pretty quickly. Thank goodness this is all made me very observant of God taking care of me. He's brought Michael and I together to endure this hardship, He's provided another income so we can save for what's to come, He's led me to a great bible study and infertility group, and He's given me friends and family who care enough to read this torturous blog. I'm cared for and not alone. I'm of sound enough mind to know this is only a part of my life that is not going along as planned and that the majority of my life is provided for and blessed.

Still, I wish I had better news for me and for you...

Michael just told me the Mavericks have an 8 game winning streak; a close 2nd to the news I wish I could share. Too bad it's not April 1st, then I could have done an April Fool's joke instead of a Mavs joke to end this post on a lighter note. Anyhoo...