Be gone!

I have an easy time thinking about God. The challenges he lets into my life, the mechanisms he gives me to cope and the unrelentless love that He gives. On the flip-side, when someone mentions the devil or the temptation and sadness that he seeks, I have a hard time wrapping my mind around it. I just don't get it. But I just had a mind-altering thought (a bad one). Lately, I've been feeling so good about where we are. God is revealing to me ways that this struggle can be useful to us and others. I feel increasingly purposeful with this struggle. Then, of course, I get smacked right in the face with feelings of sadness and worthlessness to this struggle. Instead of helpful, empowered and strong, suddenly I feel old, has-been and grasping. I remember when I first starting researching infertility I would see message boards with women who had had every procedure x100. I wondered how they ever got to that point and could talk about it so matter-of-factly?! Like having a baby was a science. Well that's me today. I need a reminder of what all this looks like besides an empty extra bedroom waiting to be painted pink or blue.

And that gets me off on another subject. That super awesome extra bedroom that we kept closed up like an extra wing. In there sits my diaper bag that I bought before it was discontinued at Neiman's, a cute little lamb sleeper noise thing from my mom and my angel collection in case we ever have a girl. Not to mention, every junk item I could fit in there. A catch-all room as I like to call it. I sometimes clean it out when I'm feeling extra hopeful. Tonight it's filled from everything from Michael's bow and arrows, to dirty laudry, to clean laundry and even a cow-hide for Michael's office laying right in the middle of the room. I certainly don't have the incentive to clean it tonight. I'm really mad at the devil for bringing these feelings up when I was just starting to relax and find meaning in our journey. I'm determined to squash these icky feelings by morning. No matter; 6am will come early and the devil can't compete with the mound of work I have on my desk in the morning...