Long day...

I'm not going to lie. Today has been challenging. Though, before I start listing my ailments of the day, let me say I love being pregnant. I love being pregnant so much that when things like today happen it just leaves me like a blob of jello. I have found that I have a pretty incredible "emergency" response. I remain calm, divide, conquer (maybe even sugar-coat and cheer lead to protect the ones I love)...then I crumble once the issues or tasks of the day are over. At least I made it to the crumble part in one piece.

OK, so my day starts great. Today I am 12 weeks pregnant. This is the day we've been waiting for. The "if I can only get to 12 weeks, I'll feel more secure" day. I bounce into work in a great mood. Kolaches and donuts at my desk. Thank you sir, may I have another?! All's well until I go to the bathroom and notice some spotting. Now, the doctor warned me as I ween off of the progesterone that this can happen. But I am convinced at this point in my life nothing is a scarier sight. So I call the doctor and they get me in immediately. Off to Plano I go. I literally just walk out of work. I had a "baby brain moment" on my way and got on 75 instead of the Tollway (where's the damn hospital?!) but it only caused me to be 15 minutes and I actually had a good laugh at myself thinking "where is my brain?". In my belly I guess. Long story short - everything is fine. It turned out to be just the progesterone but the appointment was intense! First a sonogram. Oh, Lord thank you for that part. A beautiful little flailing baby is in my belly. Long arms, long legs and fully of acrobatics. I am amazed that I cannot feel the little thing flying around in there! It is a b-a-b-y...no longer a little bean looking thing. It was amazing! The sonographer doesn't tell you if everything is OK or not but by the looks of things, the baby looked good. So back out to the lobby of the OB I go to wait for the doctor. Doctor confirmed everything looked good and not too worry. I confirmed that I'm going to the perinatologist next week for the Lovenox issue. Back to the lobby to wait to give blood (which was the 2nd time to give blood as I volunteered at work to help set baseline for our lab - prior to the spotting - now I have track marks on both arms again).

I was at the doctor for 2.5 hours and left really tired but relieved. Poor sweet-pea was hungry so I went to Chuy's and had a delicious dinner before heading to my house to my welcoming committee of three dogs, sans a husband who is traveling. (Yeah, he isn't all that great of a side-line husband. Poor guy was in NJ getting text updates. No bueno.)

Just as I'm starting to relax and recover from the stress of the day (that I didn't even realize I felt so deeply) my nose starts to bleed. I don't mean the free bleed that I talked about a few posts ago that is slight. This was full on bleed, dripping, blood everywhere type bleed. All I can think about is a guy my dad works with had to go to the ER recently because he is on a medicine like mine and his nose wouldn't stop bleeding. Alas, mine finally stopped.

Then it was time for my Lovenox shot. I'm thinking surely this is going to go right! Not! I have been trying to give the shots in my thighs (rather than stomach) so that my pregnancy belly pics aren't so ugly/black/blue/green/yellow. But amazingly I'm more comfortable now giving them in the stomach so I went back to that area tonight. Uh, must have hit a vein because I bled and bled. And I have a huge knot that formed and sticks out. I know I won't be able to have anything (such as pants!) touch it tomorrow because it will be so sore.

I'm just worn out. And thrilled that the baby is OK. And hormonal as hell. And hungry again already. And, and, and. And the moral of this post is I'm drained of blood but still kicking! Sorry - hopefully this story/day will serve as a wa-wa-wahhh moment for me to laugh at at a later date. I actually feel better already by just thinking about the day and realizing a good night's sleep (as a far 2nd to baby looking like a champ) will make it all better.

Is it weird that I have that lyric "momma said there will be days like this" or something like that in my head? She definitely did. And she said they are all worth their weight in gold when you have that baby in your arms! :)

Addendum in the AM: Well I did sleep and feel much better this morning until I woke up to another bloody nose. Blood on bed, blood on shirt, etc. Soooo, I'm praying for humidity. Monday can't come fast enough to discuss this with the perinatologist. Please pray for baby and that whatever decision that the doctor makes about the Lovenox keeps the baby safe and me with at least somewhat of a circulatory system left in tact to support this little one.

Get up out of bed Olivia! I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...

Moment I didn't expect...

About a year ago I was shopping in a little store in Ardmore that has cute gifts and a pretty good selection of Christian music. As I was walking through the store, one of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard came on. I decided to buy the CD which turned out to be Kari Jobe. I had never heard of her before that day. While I like the entire CD, one song, "You are for Me" really spoke to me. It became my reality check during our infertility battle and it always moved me to tears. Often I looked for the good in struggling to have a baby and one of the best things I could think of is how often the pain brought me to my knees and led me to prayer. Ultimately, it brought me closer to God. And why I often asked why and teetered on bitterness, I think my relationship with God was strengthened. When I was feeling lonely or sad, I would crank up the following song, sing at the top of my lungs and about midway be brought to sobs. Here are the lyrics:

So faithful

So constant

So loving and so true

So powerful in all You do

You fill me

You see me

You know my every move

You love for me to sing to You

I know that You are for me

I know that You are for me

I know that You will never

Forsake in me in my weakness

And I know that You have come down

Even if to ride upon my heart

To remind me who You are

So patient

So gracious

So merciful and true

So wonderful in all You do

You fill me

You see me

You know my every move

And You love for me to sing to You

And Lord, I know that You are for me

I know that You are for me

I know that You will never Forsake me in my weakness

And I know that You have come down

Even if to ride upon my heart

To remind me who You are

This last part for the longest time I thought said "write upon my heart". In fact until I just checked and wrote these lyrics, I thought it was write. :) Regardless it is this part of the song that spoke to me so deeply. It said to me that God is with me and that this struggle has brought him down in the form of the Holy Spirit to write (ride) upon my heart. Our struggle is seen and felt by Him too. However, this opportunity is for me to remember who the Lord is and what He is capable of. And, most importantly, He loves me more than I can ever imagine. Oh, I can't tell you how many times this song got me through a day.

So, the other day I was once again in Oklahoma and there are really no radio options. So for the first time since I found out I was pregnant, I listened to this song. I once again broke down totally. I was visiting my mom and I had just pulled up to my parent's house when the song ended. I guess mom heard me pull up and came outside to help me with my stuff (such a fragile state I'm in...:). Of course I hadn't had time to get myself together and she was so worried something was wrong. I explained to her that this song represents a comfort in a very hard time. I was able to listen to it and rejoice instead of seeking comfort for the first time. I was reaffirmed by the line "I know that You are for me" and the proof of the answered prayer is growing in my tummy. Thank you, Jesus. Please help me always remember these words.

Some currents...

Here is some current affairs going on in my head and belly:

-current mood/s: sleepy and happy

-current favorite color: pink

-other favorite color: blue

-current cravings: cherry sours, OJ, fried okra, and pickled okra

-current ailments: free bleed in sinus due to Lovenox and sciatic nerve ouchy

-current elations: hearing the heart beat for the first time and the moment of absolute astonishment/relief when I remember I'm pregnant (if for some reason it slips my mind for 2 seconds!)

-current new trick: ponytail holder to secure the pants so I don't have to button them

-current weight: let's not talk about that

-current concerns: potentially having to go off Lovenox because of the nose free bleed

-current prediction: boy
-last week prediction: girl
-two weeks ago: boy

-current request for prayer: for the healthy development of my baby and the health of my friend Keesty's newborn baby, Jace, who has some important tests coming on next Monday

-current projects: cleaning out the baby's room (still...the never ending catch all room) and planning Margo's baby shower

-current hair root color: strawberry blonde (I'm not kidding)

-current random thought: we're going to have red-headed kids since it runs on both sides...adorable!

-current food aversion: chicken

-current plan for a girl's room: grey, pink and splash of lilac

-current plan for a boy's room: cool colored camo

-current annoyance: Rachel Zoe

-current movement: towards bed

Good night!

I feel great! And other updates.

OK, I'm not going to lie. The attention you get when you are pregnant is sweet. Most conversations now start like this: "I'm so happy for you! How are you feeling?". How could one not like that another person is sincerely happy (for moi?!) and that they want to know my condition and well-being?! However, I never really know how to answer how you are feeling...so most the time I just say I feel great because I do. But for those of you that want to know the nitty-gritty symptoms I'm having, here is the list:
*I'm still on progesterone, so I'm still a wee bit tired. Actually comatose, but in the last two weeks, I have been able to push through a little more. I do feel more fragile if that makes sense.
*My lower back/upper butt bone on my left side feels like it is going to break every time I take a step with my left foot. I have a doctor's appointment next Monday and hope to figure out what the deal is. It hurts b-a-d.
*Random afternoon sickness, but NOTHING to write home about. I was spared!
*A few headaches.
*A changing body. Hello baby bump. Yes, after I eat breakfast, I'm already showing. I wake up with only a slightly pudgy stomach but after 10am it is full-pregnancy stomach. I don't know why I'm showing so early, but who cares?!
*Current cravings: OJ, pimento cheese, and coconut creme pie (with meringue!). I'm hoping that celery, spinach and boneless, skinless chicken breast are going to crop up on the list soon... :)
*Stupidity...I almost blew up the house with a gas stove, candle and leaving the house episode. Glad Michael came home about 15 minutes after I left the accident waiting to happen brewing. It's funny to think about, but it really could have been a disaster. I'm now being much more careful with flammable anything and sharp objects.
I'd say all-in-all, I'm rocking through this first trimester unscathed. I am soooo thankful. Each symptom (minus excruciating back pain) is just more evidence that this story comes with a happy ending; I love it!

Michael and I went to Buy-Buy Baby yesterday. Our first excursion into the unknown that is baby "stuff". Wow. I think both of us were in shock for the first few aisles. Michael turns to me and notes that we're basically going to need everything in the store. And at that point, I realize I know zip about what we'll need. I mean, I hope to supply the food source, then we'll need diapers and a carrier/carseat...but what else is there? Apparently 100,000 square feet of "musts" at Buy Buy Baby. They should call it Buy Buy Money. Anyhoo, the most confusing part was the stroller section. Any recommendations in this area are gladly accepted! It was actually so surreal (and awesome!) to be shopping for us and not for a gift for someone else!

Michael decided that based on our visit to the baby store, we need our own reality show about two, 30 year old lovebirds that have spent two years trying/planning to get pregnant but not a second on actual child rearing. Although we think we might be entertaining enough, we decided that the eminent divorce that the fame would cause in 6 years, the national hatred for me as the overbearing mother and the fact that Michael looks bad in Ed Hardy t-shirts are reasons enough to not pitch the show. It was a good thought, though.

Well those are my updates for now. I'll be 10 weeks on Tuesday (yay!).

Other posts in the upcoming days: office remodeled and splurge o'the decade baby-bag.

I think I'm pregnant...where do I throw up?

Well, I think I'm pregnant. You may think from prior posts..."Don't you know you're pregnant?" Well, yes. And no. I remember when my friend, Margo, got pregnant from IVF and she was sooo cautious. Everytime I'd ask about the pregnancy it was almost forbidden to be presumptuous that everything would work out. I can't remember when we were allowed to finally be excited, but I think it was around 9 weeks. The similarity is that I'll be 9 weeks on Tuesday and it's finally setting in that this is for real. You may wonder what it was that allowed me to believe that this isn't just my imagination but a real dream come true? Well I think it is called morning sickness. (Shout out, morning sickness! Ha-ay!)

So thus far I've had the sleepy's. My mom keeps calling me Sleeping Beauty. I'm pooped! I can fall asleep on command (except when Michael is snoring, the dogs are dog-narding and I'm needing to pee), but other than that I do nap like a queen! Then there is some emotional instability and weepiness. I've also had quite a bit of muscle cramps, too. The thing about all these symptoms is that they can be attributed to the massive dose of progesterone that I've been on. So are they pregnancy syptoms or progesterone induced? Then, however, three days ago I got sick in the afternoon. Not throw up sick, but just straight up ick. No food sounds good! I order items at restaurants and then am detested by them by the time they make their way to the table. This has continued the last two nights! Then, last night, Michael and I stayed the night at my Grandpa's house. Right in the middle of the night/early morning I woke up sick. Like thought I was going to puke sick. Score! The morning sickness that I've been waiting on to confirm a legit symptom.

I quickly analyzed the situation; where am I going to puke? Options were limited! The bathroom trashcan did not have a liner. No go. The toilet has seen better days and I'm sure wasn't cleaned just yesterday. Not putting my face by that! The sink could maybe get clogged. Not a solid idea. So where am I going to hurl if it comes to that? Hell, yes...outside. That was my game plan. It never came to the game-time decision, but I was prepared. I was exhilarated to need to think quick to address my new situation. It seems the ick continues through the day as I am nautious as I write this post. I think it is going to be my friend/assurance in between sonograms that everything is going just fine in that little (whoa, that word is past tense) belly of mine. :)

Anyhoo, I feel great! I decided today that I love being pregnant. You may think that is weird coming from someone who has lived and breathed getting pregnant for two years (as I guess it was supposed to be just a given). But I think I've been scared for most of the last five weeks which really doesn't allow one to love something if their what-if'ing all the time. Bye-bye what if. Hello baby!