Why?

Tonight Michael and I attended our first birthing class. The class started at 6pm but Mike didn't get there until 7:45pm because he just flew in from Las Vegas where he was at an annual training seminar for Dell. I've been gone from home since Friday and he's been gone since Sunday; needless to say we're both glad to be home. I had some cramping over the weekend (I think I figured out that it is from poor circulation...I have a new tactic to combat the cramping so no need for worry); but my parents held me hostage because my hubby wasn't home. Anyhoo, we're both home with the doggies and it feels great.

I had a fabulous shower in Oklahoma. I'll post about that when I'm in a more chipper mood because it deserves a happy post.

As happy as I am right now to be home, I am also incredibly sad. I started following a friend of a friend of a friend's blog a while back. The author of the blog has cancer. She's a beautiful young woman who is suffering greatly. She is also one of the most faithful people I have ever observed. I don't mean to make my sadness any mild reflection of her suffering...I've never even met this young woman. But I've been awe struck by her since being introduced to her...even if it is just by video blog. I've prayed for a miracle every time I've conversed with the Lord. From what I learned tonight it seems that medicine is not the answer for her ailments. I can't even write the news I heard tonight; it is just too final. I won't quit praying for a miracle or doubt that the Lord is capable of healing.

Yet, I'm so upset. Upset because I know the miracle would have already been performed if it were coming.

I keep trying to think about other things. We have all these amazing things going on...a recent shower, a baby on the way, companionship, friends, family, funds to buy the baby essentials, etc. etc. I should be couting my blessings. And in a way I am. I think this recent news reminds me how fragile our "temporary" home is. As much as I try to get this house in order for Reid, I often forget that this home is just for now. Heaven is my true home. This is a reminder that as much as I can get everything nested properly - if I'm not right with the Lord then I might as well sit and do nothing. I need to prepare for His divine Kingdom in everything I do.

I also think that Sarah's journey really strikes me with my own mortality. Tragedy can strike anytime...whether you are a believer or not. Maybe this is scary to me because as hard as I try to control everything, when really nothing is in my control. That's a hard realization when carrying a little one in my belly.

Needless to say, I have a lot of random thoughts going through my mind. It may boil down to that I'm angry. I'm mad that she is in pain, that she didn't have more time with her new husband, that she isn't going to get to rock her child to sleep. And maybe I wonder why I get to do these things when I can see that she is more faithful, more patient and more kind than me. Why?

Why? It seems I'm never able to answer that question when I ask it...in so many areas of my life.

I also think I'm scared. So scared that everything can be taken away in an instant. How is God's Kingdom supposed to be my sanctuary when I'm about to give birth to my heart here on earth?

And that begs the question, why am I even thinking about this when I need be at Babies-R-Us buying a freaking baby monitor?!

I can't imagine anyone made it through this post so I think this one is just for me. So notes to self - be thankful for what the Lord has given you. You don't have to justify your blessings. Live for the Lord. Again, be thankful. Grieve, even if it is supposed to be the happiest time in your life...it's OK to be sad now and then. Continue to pray for a miracle even if it is said to be "too late". And, lastly, quit trying to understand everything. Not everything can be explained in a simple "but why?" answer...